An actual email conversation I had at work today…

First email was at 9.08am
J:
Hi,

When you have a minute, may I have this artwork please?

*****
Me:
Maybe.

Gather $10000000 in unmarked bills and/or small change. Preferably $1 coins, cause I got a lot of laundry to do.

Place it in a black sports bag and leave it under the most northwest seat in the park. I’m not sure which park, but one with a northwest seat would be good. And ducks, I like ducks.

Once I collect the money I’ll send you the artwork.

If I see any police, the artwork gets it…
****
J:
Thanks for the great instructions – would you please get these two artworks for me as well?

As for the ducks! I’ll make sure I get some for you.
****

Me:

Can you get me trained ducks? You know, ones that can do tricks and attack people on command? Cause, that would totally rock!

I’d bring them into work and if a annoying sales rep called me I could scream into the phone “DON’T MAKE ME SICK MY DUCKS ON YOU!!! THEY’LL TOTALLY DUCK YOU UP, MUTHADUCKER!”
Of course, I’d then I’d need some sort of animal to send after HR before they could fire me… For some reason that sounds like a task for echidnas…
****
J:
And another one [piece of artwork]

It looks like I will have to cover your desk with ducks.

****
J:

Thanks!

I don’t think I can train a duck… but we’ll see what we can do

****

Me:

Hmmm maybe when I get these trained ducks, I’ll start a debt collection business…

Then I could walk around the office with my trained ducks saying to people “You promised to pay up yesterday. Mr Quack here gets upset when people break their promises. It makes him want to break things as well… Knees for example.”
Then BAM! The ducks can totally go nuclear on them.

So please find highly trained ducks with a background in loansharking. (Or would that be loanducking)
****

J:
LOL – I’ll look into it.

So that you can have your own entourage.

****

Me:
I’d be like the Dr Dolittle of the criminal world ‘cept that is a silly name and my entourage would have to spend most of it’s time beating people up for calling me that, which would eat into their racketeering time. I don’t think criminal minded ducks have good time management skills…

Gee, this Friday has turned bizarre quickly!
****

Honestly, I don’t know why work lets me have email!

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